I have a new website where I am continuing my writing and offering much more.
One of the things I’m offering is Bodysex workshops!
About a year and a half ago I trained with Betty Dodson, world renowned sex educator, to carry on the powerful work called Bodysex.
Bodysex is a transformational workshop for women only. It deals with body image and helps women overcome pleasure anxiety. It’s all about getting authentic, sharing our stories of our bodies and orgasm, and celebrating our bodies and orgasm, as they truly are. It’s done in a small group, goes deep and creates profound sisterhood between the women. Together we explore our individual beauty and through that, come into powerful sisterhood, free of the competition that so often overshadows relationships between women.
My next Bodysex workshop is: May 14th-15th in Boulder, CO
You can read all about Bodysex here: http://www.juliaemerald.com/bodysex
Also if you follow me here or simply like what I have to say, follow me on my new website! I have an opt-in field to receive emails and you can get updates there.
My website is: http://www.juliaemerald.com
To more Body-love and Freedom!
My Sexual Body
I was a baby, just 4 years old and my mommy didn’t tell me about my sexual body. I looked down there to see what was hiding. Sitting on the bathroom counter to look in the mirror, I opened my legs.
There were so many folds inside, so many colors and varying textures. I was mesmerized. My little girl mind couldn’t understand how something so complex… almost magical in it’s complexity… didn’t have a name.
Why had no one told me about this interesting place tucked away between my legs?
Others must have a one too, I thought. I decided it must be something secret we weren’t supposed to talk about.
My mother told me God made my body with special care. What kind of mysterious purpose did *this* part of my body have? And that it would be secret? I didn’t understand.
My Sexual Body Hurt
Some nights as a little girl, I woke up with terrible itching that turned to pain. I already wasn’t supposed to talk about this place, but it was so uncomfortable, I asked my mother in shame for help.
She gave me A&E ointment and told me to put it on myself. It didn’t help at all. I asked her again for more help, but my mother didn’t listen, and I was too ashamed to go back again.
Even with that useless ointment, I remember learning something from it. Lying on the bathroom floor applying useless ointment night after night, I recall noticing that it felt good to put the ointment on. Maybe that’s why I kept doing it.
I never had an orgasm but my sexual body was there.
My Sexual Body Changed
The compulsive masturbation of a prepubescent teen, ah yes, I remember that well.
It was always something I was trying to quit.
I read the word “masturbation” first in a teen True Love Waits bible. The book didn’t declare whether it was a sin or not, but recommended you don’t do it, just in case. (If any of you reading this know what True Love Waits is, I’m sorry.)
Intermingled with the scriptures, the teen bible told stories of girls having innocent kisses with boyfriends that, before they knew it, escalated into hot and heavy fondling sessions. I remember reading eagerly wishing the story wouldn’t stop there.
“And before she knew it, David’s hand was up her shirt.” That’s how one thing leads to another they said.
Ok, ok, ok… so all this stuff was supposed to be bad, I thought. But if it was bad, why did it sound so fun? I decided to trash it all and adopt the conservative recommendation to abstain… cause everyone wanted me to I guess.
Well we all know that didn’t last. Spoiler alert.
Apparently masturbation is the sure way to igniting insane sexual desire in women that would wreck our entire status quo and world.
Eh, maybe it would. Though I bet there are a lot of women reading this who have engaged in self pleasure that are laughing.
I do believe the world would survive every woman owning full access to her pleasure and desire for HERself. The status quo, however, would be decimated. We would not be having the rules that put women down or keep them from pursuing everything they ever wanted. We would not have sexism or slut-shaming or stoning women for ‘adultery’. We would not have nearly as many abusive relationships and women wouldn’t feel the need to stifle their needs or voice to please their husbands or boyfriends.
These problems all come from shaming our bodies, our sexual bodies. The world lives in great fear and shaming of the body. I am NOT ok with this.
What is a woman’s body that we hide and shame it so much? A monster?
We can have fun with this ridiculous attitude.
Female orgasm, female empowerment, the female sexual body – the great menace! Imagine Godzilla, only Clitzilla, we’d call her. Her orgasmic reverberations would shake the earth. She’d tear everything apart. Pleasurably.
I hate lies like this with everything I have. I hate the LIES that hurt women. I will not allow them in my body. I rejected them and will eject them from this world with everything I have. Die with our awakening.
I’ve been alone for a while now. Nearly a year ago I left my ex husband and after months of spotty casual dating, I closed my eyes and took a jump to fully let myself be alone. In a quick gesture I ended both of my relationships and embarked on an intentional ‘fast’ from dating. No sex or relationships during this time.
My heart knew it would be both liberating and hard but I had no idea of the many intensities that awaited me. I have felt the whole range, from profound healing experiences of unconditional love to dark and painful nights facing my deepest fears of being alone.
The learning supplied to me out of this experience has surpassed all learning I have received from any single human being. I am discovering myself deeply, both my dark and needy parts and my shockingly immense resources of power, determination and passion. I am in love with myself. I have never felt so in love and also in so much acceptance. Every day is a day to surrender deeper and I try to. No take that back. I don’t try, I do. I surrender. To all of it.
All my life I have lived trying to be loveable. I oriented my day from morning to night to please others, the ones I looked to please the most being men. I based my personal value off of what men wanted me or gave me attention. I obsessively chased after men to validate my daily draining internal sense of worthiness.
The first week of the fast I woke up to realize my entire life had been structured with the singular goal of attracting men. When I walked out of my house no longer needing to be attractive – because for the first time in my life I was wholly unavailable to every living soul – I saw just how many choices I had been subconsciously making with that goal in mind. From the clothes I bought and wore, to the way I talked and moved, to the activities I chose and things I said and would not say, I considered my desirability to men. I was a pleasure object for men and every choice was weighed with that role in mind. Realizing this made me angry, very angry. “Why has so much of my energy been poured into being a pleasure object for men?? What about myself? Why???”
I see the programming everywhere now. I’ve become a hardcore feminist and notice with boiling rage and heart gripping sadness all the makeup-ed magazine girls, dressed up just to be pretty on the cover of every fashion magazine, while the men’s portraits are reserved for business journals. No women are on the covers of those damn success and business mags. No, the female’s place is not to be successful or accomplished, ambitious or respected. Media makes her purpose in life very clear: “Look pretty as a perfect object of pleasure for men.”
Maybe that’s why I like Korean pop so much – because it is the only place I’ve seen men really be sexually objectified. It’s a fun venture into the other world to see men dressed, groomed and dancing with every detail attended to with their lustful audience in mind. Part of the reason why women have such a hard time owning and voicing their sexual desire IS because men are under objectified in pop and regular culture. The under-objectification of men communicates a silent but clear message “Women, you should not oggle men or let your lust run wild after them.” Be a good girl and don’t care about what they look like.
Care about the money they make, bitches.
My fear of being alone:
I could write a whole novel on how I’ve done relationships and how much has made itself visible by this fast. Every detail of perverse self abandonment and the fascinating dynamics and belief structures which spun themselves through every experience, have made themselves visible.
I hold myself in deep compassion feeling all the pain, questioning and terror that lead me to this place of finally laying everything down to be acknowledged and hopefully, transformed. My fear of being alone and the nightmare of being unworthy of love was so painful and terrifying I reached a point where it became easier to face it than to run anymore. Turns out the suffering of running far exceeded the discomfort of facing my fears.
Despite all my years preaching liberated sexuality and empowered pleasure, I slump humbled to realize at least half of the sex I’ve had in my life was not for my own pleasure but a barter for love and approval. My lust for male approval invaded my fantasies coloring them strangely to a degree that I wondered honestly if something inside me was not very very off. I did not want to be the woman in my fantasy, begging for the aloof man’s love and attention in exchange for pleasure.
Just as I had bought into the idea of being a pleasure object for men, I bought into the message that value belonged to men and I needed them to bestow it on me to have any of my own. Before the fast, I wondered why over and over again I engaged with powerful but unavailable men. My heart doubted it’s own worth and cried out for a man I saw as better than myself to tell me otherwise. How lonely I was having no one there to make me feel lovable.
To face being alone and having no one to make me feel valuable and loved frightened the hell out of me. The fear drove me to date and take partners even when I knew I did not want a relationship and my spirit really longed to invest that time and energy into myself and my passions instead. I didn’t want to be distracting myself with men. I was tired, my nerves shot after a traumatic breakup and my heart kept whispering to me about my career vision as a sex educator and Bodysex facilitator and yet, there I was out on dates, busting my butt literally to desperately avoid confronting my most feared questions: “If I am alone, am I lovable?” and then the question behind that “If I am unlovable, do I have value?”
My greatest nightmare was that I would be alone and laughed at. The reality though was that I WAS alone, but I couldn’t face that fact enough to take control of my life and move forward because I was so busy running from it.
I never thought of myself as a grudge holder. But on all these lonely nights, as I reach out desperately for a place to escape the fear of being alone, I realize just how much hate, anger and bitterness I harbored against men unknowingly. I’m aware of all my escapes (music, facebook, socializing, food), sex being the greatest one, and I have barred the door to every one. There is no escape for me because I want to face these terrors and festered wounds. And through facing them I have discovered a new strength. When I feel the urge to check out, I stop myself and ask sincerely “What am I feeling?” The answers rise and I’m flowing again, sometimes into the ecstatic bliss of being alive, sometimes into stress realizing I have put an important task off and sometimes into hurt as I feel the ache of my open wounds towards men and the world.
There is so much healing and stabilization to do and my fear of being hurt is so great, I wonder if I do not need another fast after this one is finished.
My fear of being hurt and my fear of being alone, throw themselves at each other, entangling into an epic battle of violent terrors. I sit back and watch the show in amazement, wondering strangely if these two are not somehow the same animal.
The phrase “There is nothing to fear, not even fear itself” has come to have great meaning for me. I realize the greatest suffering in my life has not come from the pain of being hurt by others or the undoubtedly torrential experience of life, but from running from it.
For a while I escaped my loneliness – in a man’s words, his attention, his love. I cry many tears because I love easily and over and over I searched to fill this loneliness but the impermanence of life would not let me sate it.
To stop running, I must simply BE with myself. I cry tears, so many tears. They flow easily now and I ask “Am I alone?”
Why yes, I am.
If I am alone, will I be ok? That is the question. Even if I am alone am I deserving of love? Something in me is changing and has hope. I hope that the answer to that biting question turns up a “yes.”
No, not even a “yes” but a “yes! yes! YES!”
I suffer when I refuse to surrender to these emotions and questions. It was surrender to my current state that gave me the strength to stop and take this break I so desperately needed. And it’s surrendering over and over again that has been healing my heart and leading me through these dark and deep questions. I know that allowing what is inside me is my real ticket to escape suffering.
It may be painful to face reality, but the pain is fleeting. To run induces suffering which continues every day till you stop and face yourself. This is the difference between pain and suffering.
Lord help me overcome this. Anxiously attached here:
I, like an estimated fourth of the population, have an anxious attachment style (also known as a preoccupied style). What does this mean? Essentially, if you have an anxious attachment style you want, better yet, need to have a large amount of closeness and intimacy with your partner in a relationship. You live for the hugs, kisses, and long private discussions of a devoted relationship.
While anxious people can make the best and most committed partners, they are sensitive and demanding — their style of loving is not for everyone. They have certain needs in relationships that others may not. If your partner is anxious, it would help to recognize their unique approach to relationships. But how do you know you’re dealing with an anxious person? Your partner might be anxious if they..
7. Follow your lead
An anxious partner will let you set the pace of the relationship…
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Heaven sent the ocean breeze to wake me from my slumber. On winds of change he carried it all the way to my little mountain home, one thousand miles from the sea.
It drifted in my window, cool and salty, warming my soul with it’s exotic freshness. The waves’ wind touched my skin and sparked electricity. I learned through its touch that I have been missing something.
Every day I tell myself it’s another day to work hard. Some days I work hard but others exhaustion hits me and my soul is filled with emptiness. I have already poured out all I have for another man’s dream, chasing dollars like crumbs dropping from the CEO’s table.
Where is my pleasure? When will I let others pleasure me? The ocean breeze is here to pleasure me. He kisses me, the perfect wetness. He holds me softly. I whisper his name and he breathes “I have never heard it said so sweet.”
~ From my Journal 9/2014
I sent you a message… a plea, a heartfelt expression of my love and commitment… and months passed by and you never even looked at it. I told you over and over it was there, a piece of my heart waiting for you and you just never got around to listening to me.
I am sad you didn’t listen to me. I have always been serious, from the very beginning….
Guess it’s time to close this chapter then my friend. The world is open to me and all you can talk about it is how cruel and closed it is to you. We are in very different worlds apparently.
Just know, that no matter what happens, I do love you and will continue to – whatever form that takes.
The simple truth is value and respect come first from inside. Once you have that down, no actions of a man – as long as they aren’t violating boundaries you’ve voiced or shown – will be able to make you feel disrespected because you will know that whatever they are doing is NOT about your value, it’s about them and whatever is going on in their psyche and self.
Today I wrote on Facebook about this matter and instantly got torrents of likes because I believe it is a message for us all, but especially for us women.
When you respect yourself and choose to feel love and value within yourself for who you are, you will start to see others show that value to you too.
And then whether others follow your orders or not and do what you once deemed ‘respectful’ and ‘loving’ to you, won’t matter NEAR as much as you thought it did. Others’ actions or thoughts will not be able to shake your own powerful inner sense of incredible pricelessness and beauty.
I’m tired of hearing you complain about how men don’t respect you or give you the power you want or need. If you sense them taking your power away, stop that thought and smile (or frown, whichever seems appropriate) and correct them…. or walk away. The joke’s on them because they missed the flashing sign above your head that says how beautiful and valuable you are.
I hope you do not miss that sign. It will give you the courage to truly seize the life you long for… and to stop living in fear of others taking that value away.”
If Storm Large were a goddess, I would worship her. I already kind of do, so it wouldn’t be that far a stretch. If you don’t know who she is yet, you should because she is by far one of the most bold and sexually empowered female artists out there.
Storm Large is a singer, actress, writer and just an all around bawdy awesome beautiful woman. The large majority of her music is about sex or contains explicit references and she sings it in such a gripping unashamed way that I fell in love with her the first time I heard her song “Ladylike.” The first exposure I had to Storm though (and a great way to see the essence of what she’s about), was her humorous music video 8 Miles Wide. Click on the link and check it out! It’s absolutely hilarious and makes a powerful statement.
To check out her music go to her site here. You can listen to all of it for free on her site. So generous right? Leave a comment below and tell me what you think of her.
I wanted to talk to you about cock-sucking today, but as I began to stroke that topic, another set of concepts came out instead. So maybe I’ll cover delicious cock-sucking tomorrow (let me know if that would interest you!), but for now I want to talk to you about boundaries as my 6th post in my 20 day challenge. These are not the kind of boundaries maybe you are thinking of. These are not the boundaries we need to enforce with others; these are the boundaries we need to have with OURSELVES: The boundaries of listening to our own desires and taking them seriously instead of ignoring what we truly want as if we as people don’t matter. We wouldn’t want someone else to always ignore our needs and desires, so listening and responding to our personal desires and needs is also the kind and loving thing to do for ourselves.
Along this line then, what is the ‘first rule of sex’? 🙂 (I’m playing the Fight Club clip in my mind: “The first rule of Fight Club….”, yet in this case we ARE going to talk about sex. We are already.)
The first rule of sex and all acts of intimacy is: only do it when you want to… and when you want to, do it! In a culture of sexual repression and a contradictorily oversexualized media, we often forget about these two principles, to say ‘yes’ to what we want and ‘no’ to what we do not want. Desire is by far the most important ingredient in creating a pleasurable sexual experience of any kind. Desire is what relaxes your body and opens up your whole being to pleasure and joy. Desire helps lubricate the vagina and vulva, helps the vagina expand to accept penetration or play. Desire helps a man get aroused so he can have sex or have his cock stimulated. It’s easy to see how important desire is in the physical realm.
Even beyond just enabling you to be sexual, desire makes a huge impact on the connection you can potentially feel with the other person. And it is also really important in your all around feeling about the experience. Was it super hot? It was probably really hot largely because you wanted it, and if you didn’t want it, the likelihood of you changing your mind and finding it hot later seems low. Because of how important genuine desire is then, it’s vital to learn to discern between when your mind wants something and when your body or heart truly wants something.
The easiest way to tell whether you truly want to do a sexual act is to examine why you want it. Do you want it because it’s considered a ‘good’ thing to do, you ‘should’ do it, or you don’t want to disappoint or reject your partner’s desires? If any of those are reasons for you to suck a cock, then you may be in danger of disrespecting your OWN heart and desires. And if it is true that you really don’t want to do the act, cock-sucking or otherwise, you are basically raping yourself to force yourself to do it anyways.
Did you catch that? Forcing yourself to do something sexual you truly do not want to do = Self Rape
And conversely, NOT giving yourself permission to express your desire to do something sexy and/or actually do it is self disrespect and harm.
The great part about this, is the incredible sense of self-love and joy found when you begin to consciously invest in giving yourself what you want and respecting your own boundaries and lack of desire whenever that is present…. no matter how illogical your desire or lack thereof may seem! What liberation, to know you can always trust yourself to be your own advocate and protector! That is self love and it is a beautiful, fulfilling thing. We need that kind of radical self advocacy and care in order to be able to really feel it come from others as well. Maybe this is not an absolute thing, but it sure makes it damned easier to feel respected and heard by others, when we are respecting and hearing ourselves first.
Have you ever had experiences where you didn’t listen to your own desires and what were they like? How did it effect your future experiences? And for all you self-lovers out there: Tell me one way you can or might in the future practice more self-love by listening to your own needs and wants. Leave a comment letting me know! Much love to you all!
For day 5 of my 20 day challenge, I bring you a tantalizing excerpt from my personal journal. Hope you enjoy it!
I made you cum, my mouth on your cock. It was so hot. I remember your sounds and how you grabbed the headboard, arms tensing, your whole body stiffening. God, I never want to forget that. So so sexy man, sexyman.
You are a sexy man, a sexy artist – an artist among men. I love how clever you are and wise. Your sight sees far and seems to hold many experiences. I wish I knew you better, to know more of your real nature.